I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Friday night party time 🥳
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.