none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
You Might Also Like
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.