My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
You Might Also Like
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.