[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.