Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
bias laundering edition
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.