Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Battery falling down a hole
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.