My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: