Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Breaking news:
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’M CRYINGGG
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.