Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
You Might Also Like
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
what’s the point then??
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
This fish is cracking me up
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I don’t make the rules sorry
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.