KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
did it work
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks