I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
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*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.