RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
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[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.