twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
the three genders
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video