Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
*Seductively hides in the woods
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
When he asks for feet pics