got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
44.65
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44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!