I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
#StillHurts
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Eat…
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Put the is in disheveled
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
finally
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice