My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Always 🥴
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!