Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.