Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Breaking news:
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.