Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.