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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.