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[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape


Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?


Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!


DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time


Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]


I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone


Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*


Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left


Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid


[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.