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@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

@seamusmckracken

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

@ScrewedTik

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

@fro_vo

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

@osoplain

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

@sonictyrant

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

@prettysadmostly

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

@abbycohenwl

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

@robin_991

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.