[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
☠️☠️☠️
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?