[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
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Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.