To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.