Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!