Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours