Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
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I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.