Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.![]()
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
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