Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
You Might Also Like
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.