Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
You Might Also Like
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.