I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
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Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Had an epiphany today.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?