I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.