me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Meanwhile in Canada…
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2