Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Just a phase…
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.