[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine