I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

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When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.


I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.


Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.


My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.


About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.


HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.


Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?


Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.


I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…