I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look