I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.