I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
There’s only one good girl here!
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.