If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
goldfish mafia
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months