life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I can’t stop laughing at this
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
PLEASE READ
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.