When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
You Might Also Like
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
incredible book dedication
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
A huge thanks to the person that did this
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*exercises sarcastically*
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.