I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.