My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Potatoes were such a good idea
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
i wish i could marry a nap
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Jurassic park gets weird
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit