Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.