It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
she has a point
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy