“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Blew my mind.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.