The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out