The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it鈥檚 cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Dr: You understand, after this you can鈥檛 father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
A leaf blower, but for people.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn鈥檛 have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
astronauts be acting like they鈥檙e so cool, as if we didn鈥檛 know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.