Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
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During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.