[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You Might Also Like
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.