Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*