Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Go girl power!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”