School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
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my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang