*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
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Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
United Steaks of America
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”